DISAPPOINTED!

Last weeks weigh in was highly disappointing.  I stepped on the scale only to see that I had gained 2.3lbs,  which is typical. This has been my M.O. for 6 years, lose 7, gain 2, maintain for months.  Lose 2, gain 1, maintain for the rest of forever.  It is so discouraging when you know that you have been following plan 100% only to find out you gained, again.

My body fat percentage went down by 1.4% last week so it could be that I just didn’t lose any fat (highly unlikely but a girl can dream right?) – besides I know scale body fat readers are not 100% accurate.

Logically I know it is probably a hormonal gain, which is superficial water weight but it doesn’t make seeing that number any easier.  I really have been trying to not focus on the number, I know that in the long run that number doesn’t mean squat but right now that number means a lot.  It means progress, tangible in your face progress.  I have almost a month left until my next appointment with the bariatric clinic I want a lost of at least 5 pounds when I step on their scale, I think maintaining would make me feel like a failure.  I know 2 months isn’t a long time from the first weigh in but I feel like 5 pounds in 2 months is literally the most minimal loss I am prepared to be okay with.  I would love to see 10 pounds lost before my next appointment.

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I am hoping this weeks weigh in is a lot less painful because my poor fragile brain cannot handle it, I know the number it reflects does not define me but the smaller that number ends up being the better my mental state is in the long run – even if its just a pound, half a pound, third of a point, or hell even a quarter of a pound down I will be happier.

Other than the weight everything else is moving along at a steady pace, I am still in a good head space for the most part.  I am only doing 1 workout a day still, feeling pretty okay with that.  It is still hard to to adjust to the tiny baby burns I get.  Going from 1000 calories burned  to 200 – 250 calories a work out has been an adjustment but I know how disordered it is to burn 1000 calories while only eating 1500 calories a day, that sends me into an ED spiral that I really would rather not venture back into.

I can say that my mood is not dictated by the number on the scale so much anymore, even a few months ago it would have been hard pressed for me to look at the number and see a gain and not be thrown into an out of control spiral of self hate, and loathing and meanness so that is major progress in its own right.

 

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